nicator
Active Member
Здравейте,
тези дни ме тресна съчмата и реших да пиша книга. Жанрът е фентъзи, защото все още нямам топките да се пробвам с исторически роман (а много бих искал някой ден), а и комерсиалното в мен се обажда. Трябват ми мнения, критики и съвети. Има ли много граматически и смислови грешки? Чете ли се леко? Интересно ли е? Твърде предвидимо ли е? Въобще всички мнения и критики, които са нужни на един млад писател.
Ще пиша на английски, защото все пак искам някога някой да прочете тази книга, а в България все по-малко хора четат (да не говорим, че скоро жива душа няма да остане в нашата многострадална страна). Нямам много ясна идея как искам да завърши книжлето, но искам да има екшън, драма, епичност, обреченост, интрига, брутализъм, но и романтика (не любовна, а от тази епичната)
Ето какво написах към момента:
The sun was too hot, even for the desert dwellers of Karduniasa. But unlike us foreigners, they had their ways of surviving in this forsaken desert. That made them even more dangerous for us. After all, we were a bunch of foreign mercenaries, sent here to supervise their work. There was always the chance that they could be luring us into an ambush. That’s why I was being nervous. I looked at my men – they weren’t calm either. Nobody wanted to end in this godforsaken place, as food for the jackals and the great sand wizards.
“Alan, take your men and several horses, and scout the area.” I said to the commander of my scouting squad.
In a blink of an eye, he commanded the squad to move forward, and they obeyed instantly.
But that wasn’t enough for me. I ordered several troops to reinforce the wagon column that was moving behind us. There is no such thing as being too cautious. And that certainly applied to our situation. The cargo we were escorting was too important. And the locals, well, they just hated us for being foreigners, mercenaries and servants of their God-King.
“The hell with the God-King!” I tought to myself. Me and my lads served him only because his coffins were deep and wide-open for greedy and battle-hardened soldiers like us.
One of the sand monkeys that lived here, approached me. He starred for a while at me, so I got the chance to see his withered from the desert sand and the disgustingly hot sun face.
With a smile on my face I said to him “You are one ugly sand monkey, aren’t you?”
“I understand your language” he said to me.
“You are one of our guides, so yes, you are supposed to know my language. So do you expect me to give you a pat on the shoulder?” I told him with aggressive tone, though I was rather amused.
“No, but you northerners really deserve what’s coming for you”
Now that was something that got me on the alert. My soldierly instincts made me react in a second, before he can escape. I grabbed the sand monkey for his tunic, and gave him a punch to the face. The hit from my metal glove was enough hard to stun him. Now it was time to call the doctor.
“God job, Sir, but you won’t get any answers from this one in the next twenty minutes, if I may say so.” The chief doctor of our merry mercenary band loved to speak with irony. And I pretty much liked him for his sharp, but yet courtly language.
“Tancred, be so kind to look after this monkey and when he wakes, question him about what did he meant.” The doctor just nodded. Now I had to check the progress of the column and make sure that the old karduniasan’s warning doesn’t come to being.
Our carters had problems with their bloody kartaki. The kartaki animals were similar to donkeys, but they were far more stinky and stubborn than their northern cousins. Not to mention that they were uglier, because they had basically no fur. Every time I had to deal with these animals, I looked with disgust at their yellowish hairless bodies. Besides, their red eyes, always gave me the creeps.
“So, what’s the problem now?” I asked the nearest carter. The man looked at me with some kind of guilt in the eyes and quietly replied “Sir, the animals are afraid from something. They don’t want to move, not even a step further.”
“Well, make them move you moron! That’s your job.”
So now our movement was being delayed, because ten smelly animals were afraid of something. Yeah, this was not my lucky day.
#
Apparently there was no need to question the guy, whom I punched. No more than thirty minutes after this happened, and one of our scouts returned. His face and chainmail were all in blood and sand. His horse was frightened, and the guy himself was even more frightened.
“Damn it man, what the hell happened?” I asked him for the third time.
The guy just looked at me without even moving his eyelids. There was only emptiness in his sight.
“It’s pointless, Sir, he is in shock” The doctor said.
“Tancred, he is your business, take care of him.” I told our doctor, and then turned to my officers.
‘Redwulf, take thirty men and form a protective shield wall around the kartaki. Defend the cargo with your life, if you have to’ I told my second in command, who was a grim red-haired fellow who had proven himself a worthy warrior.
‘The rest of you’ I turned to my other officers, ‘Form battle lines, make sure your squads are ready. An unknown enemy will soon attack us’.
I was certain that whomever killed most of my scots, was well on his way to strike our position. And it was obvious that the yet unknown enemy, wanted our precious cargo. Why else bother to attack a mighty mercenary warband. Common bandits and thugs attack unarmed caravans.
The ugly eunuch Akhenerere, who was one of the seven speakers of the God-King, gave us this mission. He warned me that the things we will be carrying and guarding, were of the utmost importance to the God-King, and therefore likely to be targeted by enemies. Who were the enemies? I did not know yet, though I suspected they were one of the large rebel groups, that plagued this land. Poor bastards thought they can take down a regime, which stood firm for nearly a century already. Yet they were not mere criminals or rebellious peasants. Their leader was a former general to the God-King, and their ranks were boosted by entire regiments of deserters from the God-King’s army. If a rebel group was about to strike us, finally I would be fighting a worthy opponent and not just harassing local peasants, who refused to pay their taxes to the God-King. That thought made me smile. My adjutant Osberth was puzzled by this smile.
‘Sir’ he asked me ‘what’s so funny?’
‘Nothing, Osberth. Bring me Shadowdancer.’ I commanded with a harsh tone. Men should not be all too familiar with their commanders, even though Osberth was like a son to me.
Moments later, Osberth came, holding the ribbons of Shadowdancer with his hand. Shadowdancer was, off course my favorite black battle horse.
I rode in front of my men who were already prepared for battle. We were an impressive sight. Two long lines of armored horseman, each consisting of hundred men. Unlike the locals, we wore chainmail’s and our horses were of Northern stock, which meant the beasts were far larger and heavier than the local breed. Our long lances were ready to pierce through the naked chests of the rebel sand monkeys.
And there I saw them. Our enemy was coming from the same direction; we were supposed to be headed to. That was no ordinary clash, it was a well-designed ambush.
Despite that the Sun was shining right in front of my eyes, I saw the bastards. At least three hundred of them, all mounted on camels.
‘Blast’ I cursed, because horses were afraid of camels.
Nonetheless, I had already made my mind. We would charge. That divine bastard in the Great Pyramid, didn’t pay us for nothing. And in my world reputation is everything. Off course I could have ordered my men to retreat and leave the ten mysterious coffins, we were supposed to guard, to the rebels. But who will hire us again, if we fail such a simple task?
‘Lads, it’s a pity, that the enemy hasn’t brought more men with them! I know there is no fun in slaying just three hundred sand monkeys’ I shouted to my men. Some smiled, but it was a nervous smile.
‘Still, I’m pretty damn sure that the bards will make a glorious song out of this. And if they don’t, then the tavern wenches will be happy to hear your tale of this battle.’ They roared and shouted. It’s always like this. Men need such things, before they went to face death. Some warriors drink before battle, others like to shout insults to their enemies, which makes them more confident, or at least that’s the way they hide their fear. There are even those who sing.
I gave the signal, and my men charged with their lances pointing forward.
Ако темата не е на правилното място, нека администраторите да я преместят. Аз прочетох офтопик и реших, че си е тамън за този раздел
тези дни ме тресна съчмата и реших да пиша книга. Жанрът е фентъзи, защото все още нямам топките да се пробвам с исторически роман (а много бих искал някой ден), а и комерсиалното в мен се обажда. Трябват ми мнения, критики и съвети. Има ли много граматически и смислови грешки? Чете ли се леко? Интересно ли е? Твърде предвидимо ли е? Въобще всички мнения и критики, които са нужни на един млад писател.
Ще пиша на английски, защото все пак искам някога някой да прочете тази книга, а в България все по-малко хора четат (да не говорим, че скоро жива душа няма да остане в нашата многострадална страна). Нямам много ясна идея как искам да завърши книжлето, но искам да има екшън, драма, епичност, обреченост, интрига, брутализъм, но и романтика (не любовна, а от тази епичната)
Ето какво написах към момента:
The sun was too hot, even for the desert dwellers of Karduniasa. But unlike us foreigners, they had their ways of surviving in this forsaken desert. That made them even more dangerous for us. After all, we were a bunch of foreign mercenaries, sent here to supervise their work. There was always the chance that they could be luring us into an ambush. That’s why I was being nervous. I looked at my men – they weren’t calm either. Nobody wanted to end in this godforsaken place, as food for the jackals and the great sand wizards.
“Alan, take your men and several horses, and scout the area.” I said to the commander of my scouting squad.
In a blink of an eye, he commanded the squad to move forward, and they obeyed instantly.
But that wasn’t enough for me. I ordered several troops to reinforce the wagon column that was moving behind us. There is no such thing as being too cautious. And that certainly applied to our situation. The cargo we were escorting was too important. And the locals, well, they just hated us for being foreigners, mercenaries and servants of their God-King.
“The hell with the God-King!” I tought to myself. Me and my lads served him only because his coffins were deep and wide-open for greedy and battle-hardened soldiers like us.
One of the sand monkeys that lived here, approached me. He starred for a while at me, so I got the chance to see his withered from the desert sand and the disgustingly hot sun face.
With a smile on my face I said to him “You are one ugly sand monkey, aren’t you?”
“I understand your language” he said to me.
“You are one of our guides, so yes, you are supposed to know my language. So do you expect me to give you a pat on the shoulder?” I told him with aggressive tone, though I was rather amused.
“No, but you northerners really deserve what’s coming for you”
Now that was something that got me on the alert. My soldierly instincts made me react in a second, before he can escape. I grabbed the sand monkey for his tunic, and gave him a punch to the face. The hit from my metal glove was enough hard to stun him. Now it was time to call the doctor.
“God job, Sir, but you won’t get any answers from this one in the next twenty minutes, if I may say so.” The chief doctor of our merry mercenary band loved to speak with irony. And I pretty much liked him for his sharp, but yet courtly language.
“Tancred, be so kind to look after this monkey and when he wakes, question him about what did he meant.” The doctor just nodded. Now I had to check the progress of the column and make sure that the old karduniasan’s warning doesn’t come to being.
Our carters had problems with their bloody kartaki. The kartaki animals were similar to donkeys, but they were far more stinky and stubborn than their northern cousins. Not to mention that they were uglier, because they had basically no fur. Every time I had to deal with these animals, I looked with disgust at their yellowish hairless bodies. Besides, their red eyes, always gave me the creeps.
“So, what’s the problem now?” I asked the nearest carter. The man looked at me with some kind of guilt in the eyes and quietly replied “Sir, the animals are afraid from something. They don’t want to move, not even a step further.”
“Well, make them move you moron! That’s your job.”
So now our movement was being delayed, because ten smelly animals were afraid of something. Yeah, this was not my lucky day.
#
Apparently there was no need to question the guy, whom I punched. No more than thirty minutes after this happened, and one of our scouts returned. His face and chainmail were all in blood and sand. His horse was frightened, and the guy himself was even more frightened.
“Damn it man, what the hell happened?” I asked him for the third time.
The guy just looked at me without even moving his eyelids. There was only emptiness in his sight.
“It’s pointless, Sir, he is in shock” The doctor said.
“Tancred, he is your business, take care of him.” I told our doctor, and then turned to my officers.
‘Redwulf, take thirty men and form a protective shield wall around the kartaki. Defend the cargo with your life, if you have to’ I told my second in command, who was a grim red-haired fellow who had proven himself a worthy warrior.
‘The rest of you’ I turned to my other officers, ‘Form battle lines, make sure your squads are ready. An unknown enemy will soon attack us’.
I was certain that whomever killed most of my scots, was well on his way to strike our position. And it was obvious that the yet unknown enemy, wanted our precious cargo. Why else bother to attack a mighty mercenary warband. Common bandits and thugs attack unarmed caravans.
The ugly eunuch Akhenerere, who was one of the seven speakers of the God-King, gave us this mission. He warned me that the things we will be carrying and guarding, were of the utmost importance to the God-King, and therefore likely to be targeted by enemies. Who were the enemies? I did not know yet, though I suspected they were one of the large rebel groups, that plagued this land. Poor bastards thought they can take down a regime, which stood firm for nearly a century already. Yet they were not mere criminals or rebellious peasants. Their leader was a former general to the God-King, and their ranks were boosted by entire regiments of deserters from the God-King’s army. If a rebel group was about to strike us, finally I would be fighting a worthy opponent and not just harassing local peasants, who refused to pay their taxes to the God-King. That thought made me smile. My adjutant Osberth was puzzled by this smile.
‘Sir’ he asked me ‘what’s so funny?’
‘Nothing, Osberth. Bring me Shadowdancer.’ I commanded with a harsh tone. Men should not be all too familiar with their commanders, even though Osberth was like a son to me.
Moments later, Osberth came, holding the ribbons of Shadowdancer with his hand. Shadowdancer was, off course my favorite black battle horse.
I rode in front of my men who were already prepared for battle. We were an impressive sight. Two long lines of armored horseman, each consisting of hundred men. Unlike the locals, we wore chainmail’s and our horses were of Northern stock, which meant the beasts were far larger and heavier than the local breed. Our long lances were ready to pierce through the naked chests of the rebel sand monkeys.
And there I saw them. Our enemy was coming from the same direction; we were supposed to be headed to. That was no ordinary clash, it was a well-designed ambush.
Despite that the Sun was shining right in front of my eyes, I saw the bastards. At least three hundred of them, all mounted on camels.
‘Blast’ I cursed, because horses were afraid of camels.
Nonetheless, I had already made my mind. We would charge. That divine bastard in the Great Pyramid, didn’t pay us for nothing. And in my world reputation is everything. Off course I could have ordered my men to retreat and leave the ten mysterious coffins, we were supposed to guard, to the rebels. But who will hire us again, if we fail such a simple task?
‘Lads, it’s a pity, that the enemy hasn’t brought more men with them! I know there is no fun in slaying just three hundred sand monkeys’ I shouted to my men. Some smiled, but it was a nervous smile.
‘Still, I’m pretty damn sure that the bards will make a glorious song out of this. And if they don’t, then the tavern wenches will be happy to hear your tale of this battle.’ They roared and shouted. It’s always like this. Men need such things, before they went to face death. Some warriors drink before battle, others like to shout insults to their enemies, which makes them more confident, or at least that’s the way they hide their fear. There are even those who sing.
I gave the signal, and my men charged with their lances pointing forward.
Ако темата не е на правилното място, нека администраторите да я преместят. Аз прочетох офтопик и реших, че си е тамън за този раздел
), нямаше да си губя времето да пиша, тъй като богатите писатели са едно на десет хиляди, ако не и по-малко. Пиша, защото ми е приятно, имам развинтена фантазия, а и бих се радвал дори 50-тина души да харесат това, което съм написал (по-точно ще напиша). Идеите ми за правене на пари са далеч от писането на романчета, въпреки че пак са свързани донякъде с писането (като дейност и процес). Обаче, ако трябва да съм частен, нямам на този етап някаква идея, която искам да внуша на хората. Не и в това конкретно писание.
